I have a pesky little voice of negativity in the back of my mind talking smack to me.
I’d like to duct tape the mouth of that beeatch who resides in my head and spouts nasty, mean and hurtful negativity about me into my ear regularly.
I can’t be alone here. I know there have to other women dealing with the inner voice of self-doubt and insecurity too.
I wonder when she moved in? I don’t remember hearing that voice beat me down when I was nine years old or even when I was thirteen. I’m not sure when it began.
Some days I am able to back-talk her more successfully than others.
On warm sunny days I feel happier and I therefore seem to find the extra courage to shut her up and tell her she is wrong about me; that I’m not the awful things she tells me I am; that I will not fail at whatever I try; that she is all wrong and there is no space for her in my life.
Other days, especially the gloomy gray rainy days, her voice is strong and my defenses are weak. Her negativity seeps into my blood and poisons all of me. I start to believe her when she tells me what I can not do and what I can not be. On those days, it sounds reasonable that I will fail at whatever she says I will. When I start to give in to her, she gets even more vicious and she begins to attack me more personally. She mocks my body, insults my choices, makes me feel like a loser and taunts me by pointing out my weaknesses.
I am so sick of her.
No, I am not crazy. I’m not even depressed or bipolar. I’m actually an optimist most of the time. I just have this little voice that sounds off and stirs up the negative self-talk. She knows when it is the opportune time to speak up, like when something has gone wrong or I’ve made a mistake or I’m tired or worried.
When she speaks, she definitely disrupts my progress and my prospects for joy. Lately, I realize more and more that she is what stops me. Her negativity is getting in between me and my goals. She is the reason I lose steam and surrender my confidence as I work on myself, my business, my pursuits and life in general.
I haven’t quite figured out how to get rid of her completely. I’m working on it. I’m working on me.
Thankfully, on most days (and especially in the spring which offers more frequent warm and sunny days) I am able to ignore her and push past her negativity. At the very least, I am conscious that she feeds off my fears like oxygen to a fire. The more I push her out of my mind, the less fuel she has to burn me.
“You can look deep within yourself, to the core of your being, and decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life,” – Michael A. Singer
I love this quote written by Mr. Singer about finding inner peace and transforming your relationship with yourself in his book The Untethered Soul.
I am hopeful that armed with this awareness I will more frequently beat down that inner voice of negativity, and the more times that I do, the less often I will hear it.
Maybe I should carry a roll of duct tape with me as a reminder.